I decided to put a picture of the child that made me a mother, although this post is very much about all of my babies. The world is a scary place for a mom. I am always wary of watching the news because I usually end up mildly depressed and sad. The latest news has been no exception as Jordan and I have followed the recent Penn State Scandal. Stories like that have always deeply affected me but since becoming a mother it literally puts my heart into a state of panic. I am left wondering how in the world am I going to protect my children from it all?? The process for me is always the same. I cry. I ask a lot of hard questions that
there are no answers to. Then when I am on the brink of locking my children up in an underground cellar for their entire lives my answer of peace comes to me loud and clear, "Be still and know that I am God!"
I always fight this answer. How am I supposed to be still when there is no guarantee that my children will be safe in this life. We are told to have faith but I think Elizabeth Smart's mother was a good faithful person and she has lived every mother's worst nightmare. I don't understand why sometimes parents are prompted and are able to save their children from tragedies and others go through terrible ordeals having to trust that God's will was done. No one will ever have these answers and I can accept that we're just not supposed to in this life. There a couple of things that have helped my fears as a mother in this day and age:
1. The quote, "Faith is not knowing what the future holds, it's knowing who holds the future!"
It takes a lot of pressure of knowing that a loving Father in Heaven is in control of all things. I feel so strongly that I should only worry about the things I can control and let Heaven take care of the rest. There is so much power in the phrase, "Thy will be done."
2. It occurred to me one day when Thais was a baby (I was having one of my panic attacks about how bad the world is) that Thais isn't only mine to protect. What I mean by that is, I was thinking about how I would always keep her close to me... home school, lock her up, whatever it took to protect her and I realized suddenly that she wasn't only MY daughter. She is also Heavenly Father's daughter. The thought literally crossed my mind that He was willing to sacrifice his Son for me and I had to be willing to do the same with my child. That doesn't mean I allow my children to be in bad environments and let them do whatever they want, it means that I teach them to be IN the world and not OF the world because that is the only way for them to set an example and save souls. I have been told in blessings that my children are missionaries. I know the only way they can fulfill that role is by me letting them go. It's hard for me. I worry, even though they are still so small.
I drive Thais to the bus stop every morning and we have this tradition where she always takes a window seat on the bus and we wave to each other and give each other the I LOVE YOU sign as the bus slowly pulls away to school. This is such a reality check for me that my daughter is no longer under my control 24/7. She goes off on her own and I just have to pray I am teaching her everything she needs to know. A bit of sadness pulls at my heart every morning when I can no longer see her little face waving at me from the window but I also get excited to know that she is growing and every day I get to see more of this little person's spirit and personality.
It is true there is a lot of evil in this world. But there is a lot of good too. My children bring me so much joy and I am so thankful I get to be their mother.
I just have to remember to be still.....
